It turns out Jensen Huang is just as awful as the other tech overlords

A few days ago, you were minding your own business, unconcerned about Jensen Huang or his penis. Perhaps you were still celebrating last week’s election results, and the mild improvement to civilization those results portended. When suddenly, out of nowhere, the name JENSEN HUANG was all over your internet, your nightly news, perhaps even your group text chains. Now you can’t stop hearing about this man, or about how he and his libido got trapped in a byzantine web of international intrigue that involves multitrillion-dollar companies, Silicon Valley, China, the president of the United States, and the growing scourge of artificial intelligence. Who is this Jensen Huang fella, and what exactly has he gotten America into?

Reader, fear not. I am a licensed journaltician, and I have a penis of my own. That makes me the most qualified man in America to answer all of your questions regarding this, the juiciest tech scandal since Lizzy Holmes tried to suck cancer patients’ blood using a busted Texas Instruments calculator. Let’s get to the tea.

Q: Who is Jensen Huang?
A: Huang is a Taiwanese American Stanford grad who currently serves as CEO of Nvidia, a hardware company that has become one of the most valuable companies on the planet.

Q: How did Nvidia get so big?
A: Because it produces the chips that virtually every American AI company uses to power their now ubiquitous large language models. When the introduction of ChatGPT launched the AI boom a couple of years ago, it was Huang’s chips providing virtually all of the hardware underneath that technology’s infrastructure. As a result, the company’s stock price increased by orders of magnitude, growing Huang’s billions and making Nvidia itself worth trillions. Along the way, Huang got the familiar kid glove treatment from the tech press, who lavished the baron with photo shoots of him clad in his beloved leather jacket, and portraying him as a different breed of cat from all of the other Stanford grads.

Q: What made him different?
A: Huang famously eschewed normal, snooty CEO practices in favor of having his employees email him directly. Specifically, he has them outline the “Top 5” things they’re working on at any given moment, which gives him a clearer idea of what’s happening at Nvidia, rather than just relying on a few yes-men to feed him daily rations of bulls—t. Tesla CEO Elon Musk would later steal the “five things” format as a means of having his DOGE goons hollow out the federal government.

Q: Sounds ominous.
A: Why yes.

Q: OK, enough of the background stuff. Get to the sexy business.
A: Hold up, I still have a bit more pre-explaining to do.

Q: Tease.
A: I deserved that. Now, the American AI market is a tangle of self-dealing that, as with all financial boondoggles, is deliberately opaque. The less regular folks understand about what these entities are doing, the more they can get away with. But Huang apparently wasn’t satisfied with his company merely dominating the American AI marketplace through such chicanery. He wanted the Chinese market, too. But since the U.S. and China are economic rivals, selling Nvidia’s wares to the People’s Republic of China was a bit of a no-no. Now, Huang did a bit of ring-kissing at the White House to get official approval to do business across the Pacific. But Huang appears to have done a bit of illicit, and mildly erotic, back-channeling to enter the Chinese market before getting that blessing.

This is where a woman named Alice Huang (no relation to Jensen) enters the picture.

Q: The honeypot!
A: The honeypot. Huang is a managing director at a Singapore-based tech firm called Megaspeed. According to indispensable tech blogger Ed Zitron, in 2023 Megaspeed launched a subsidiary company named SpeedMatrix, which then purchased over $4 billion in Nvidia graphics processing units (GPUs). The facts get murky from here, but the suspicion is that those GPUs were then smuggled into China. Meantime, Huang and Huang reportedly decide to mix business with pleasure. This was a bad move on Jensen Huang’s part, as he’s already a married man. Even thornier, the New York Times reported that as early as a year ago, U.S. lawmakers had reason to believe that Alice Huang was an operative for the Chinese government, had been working to evade U.S. export controls, and had developed a “close relationship” with Jensen Huang. With access to Nvidia’s advanced chips, China could pose an even larger security threat to the U.S. Mission accomplished, ma’am.

Q: Do we think the sex was good?
A: It better have been.

Q: What’s the fallout been?
A: Still ongoing. Huang issued the standard public apology to his wife and kids, writing in a statement published Sunday, “I was unfaithful to my wife,” although he did not specify whom he had an affair with (if I were Lori Mills, the wife, I’d take his ass to the cleaners). The company also announced its own internal investigation. Meantime, someone in President Lame Duck’s administration may have deliberately quashed a federal investigation into Megaspeed that could have given us a clearer picture of the f—kery at hand. And the president himself, no stranger to using his penis in malevolent fashion, came to his new best buddy’s defense: “He had absolutely no idea that the person in question was a spy. And I really believe him.” If you share a taco salad with Trump and say nice things about him, he’ll believe anything you say.

Q: Do you think Huang was duped?
A: In my opinion, it doesn’t matter. Whether or not Huang deliberately conspired with the Chinese or was an unwitting abettor, he’s still guilty as all hell. But don’t worry. Trump has already informed the nation that the FBI will be investigating the matter further.

Q: You mean the FBI led by Kash Patel, the (allegedly) drunken buffoon?
A: The same. Trump already told Huang that he has nothing to fear from Patel’s FBI. So that was a fun waste of all of our time.

Q: What does this mean for me?
A: If you hold Nvidia stock (DISCLOSURE: My wife and I own some of this stock as part of our retirement nest egg), you’re probably not too happy about Jensen Huang’s dalliances. Since news of his possible entrapment broke in October, the company stock price has cratered from a high of $243.37 a share to, as of this writing, $168.18. Even worse, the company’s stranglehold on AI hardware threatens to hurt the value of every other major tech company, because all of these corporations have invested literal trillions of dollars into AI. If those companies tank, then suddenly there goes a hefty portion of your 401(k), your IRA, your pension, your everything.
 
Q: I WANT BLOOD!
A: You are not alone. Nvidia shareholders are filing lawsuits against Huang, and Democrats poised to take control of the federal government after the New Year are sure to conduct a much more thorough inquiry into the saga than sorry-ass Kash Patel will. Also, even though Huang is the CEO of Nvidia, he, unlike the likes of Elon Musk, does not hold enough personal stake in his company to block Nvidia’s board from removing him. He can be fired. The problem is that no one at his company seems all that keen on pulling the trigger. Huang’s cult of personality at Nvidia is so strong that no one else there appears to believe that it can survive without him. And if that’s truly the case, do you guys REALLY want the second largest company in America to go down? Because there’s a chance that the implications from its demise could reverberate down to you, even if you don’t own any stock of any sort. Trump may be done and dusted, but the too-big-to-fail dilemma here in America is not. In other words, Huang is probably gonna get away with it.

Q: I hate this man! And his penis!
A: So do I, my friend. So do I.